When it comes to assembling casework, space is tight in my small shop and time is short. So I do bad things. Things I should be punished for. Repeatedly.
Crime No. 1: Suspect violated the laws of time, space and adhesion by microwaving liquid hide glue. Suspect removed lid of glue, which is brown in color, and released three giant globs of adhesive, which is cow in smell, into a coffee mug, white in color.
Suspect then placed said mug into a household microwave, set the microwave for 15 seconds and then glanced around to see if he was being observed by family members who use the machine to heat up other non-food items, such as Hot Pockets. He pressed start.
After three beeps, which were beepy in sound, suspect removed the glue, which had become Mrs. Butterworths-like in consistency instead of molasses. He then immediately brushed on the thinned adhesive on the wood.
In his defense, suspect indicated he had been engaging in said illegal activity for years, which as we know, is no defense.
Crime No. 2: Suspect is charged with violating the laws of gravity and seasonal wood shrinkage by hanging his clamps on his ceiling joists. Suspect had been warned repeatedly by visitors to his shop that said behavior would result in the clamps falling on his head, his tools, his work or crush some small animal, such as a migrating wombat or hedgehog.
In his defense, suspect indicated he had been hanging his clamps in this manner for 10 years without incident. When asked if the clamps did not all fall during the winter season when the joists shrink. Suspect took the 5th and rolled his eyes.
— Christopher Schwarz
